All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
just found out that she named her cat after me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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