One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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