Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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