Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
