We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping