I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The dick lei will go down in squad history
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
