If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
