Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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