I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
