The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
