i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if only i could text you this smell
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We are all done wearing pants today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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