Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
