id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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