im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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