The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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