New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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