I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
