Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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