so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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