I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
