Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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