That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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