Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
