just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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