Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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