I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
