Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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