STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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