We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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