We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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