I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
