i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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