If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
