I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
