I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
