wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
