Can i not drive my cunt home
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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