the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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