You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
