I got chris browned last night
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
