I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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