So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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