on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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