I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
