haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
