I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
