so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
