If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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