You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it