it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............