apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?