Having a random hookup so left but love u
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
