wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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