Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
