Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
