drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
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As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.