Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?