Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You need Xanax blowdarts
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?